August Rushing

Fuck man, how the time flies.
It's August already. 2 weeks of camp and only 1 to go. Summer went poof-gone. And I'm in a sticky situation. I have been asked out by 2 guys, both live a good distance away, and I have been romantical with both before. But I've changed and they changed and they both want to give it another shot. The only problem is, they both asked me on the same day. And I don't know which one to choose. I'm not going to cheat and choose both because that's not only cruel but will come back to bite me. So its decision time.
I'm thinking maybe I'll just choose neither of them. But they're both claiming to have all of these big, serious feelings for me and I dont want to be mean or crush their hopes. But I feel like I have to. To be honest, I'd really rather just be friends with both of them. Ugh!!!
I feel like Hamlet, my indecision and procrastination to act will be my downfall. Ugh!!!!!!

Mother Superior Jumped The Gun

It's been a month..
kinda a long time I guess. I mean, i haven't even remembered to get on in this long. oh well i guess. this blog is kinda nearing the end. I mean, I'll keep it around I guess, but there's kinda no point anymore. I don't have those bottled up feelings or anyone who actually follows what i say, so what ever. Shit I sound mopey and obnoxious, and I hate it when people sound like that lol. Like, Hey, i'm here to bum your mood and be annoying in general. listen to me!!! ugh. disgusting. in so many ways.

at least there's camp soon, and then highschool. wow. i'm a fuckin freshman yo. I started blogging in 6th grade, back when I was a little self-centered emo kid. I mean, I was a poser if there ever was one. I have nothing against the whole emo/goth group. whatever, be who you want to be, but that's just not for me these days. I remember my first blog was more or less a diary, filled with rants and bad poetry. These days, it's like, the occaisional update on my life and stuff like that. 6th grade was just me being a nerdy little "emo" and then 7th grade was me being even more "emo" and just hating everything and everyone and then 8th grade was like redemption time and I was all social and happy. I loved 8th grade. I changed so much. It was almost all for the better, too, which was kind of nice. I'm happier with myself and life in general now. I know who I am.

I feel like this summer has been one of the best ones yet. I've been hanging with friends and watching TV and doing what I want. I go to Pearl Street like once a week and have started to befriend hobos =) when camp starts, i'll probably go way more then i do now cuz i'll be close already. I love boulder. it's so much more fun then here. Here is so boring, there are like no interesting things to do aside from walk around and eat and go to our crappy little mall. I wish i lived in boulder. way more guys =)

speaking of guys, i'm getting seriously sick of them. either they're airheads who want sex and a pretty chick on their arm to show off to their friends, or they want to get like married and have a humongous long, serious, clingy relationship. the only person i've found who is relaxed as i am about relationships is my lovely wife, and we allow eachother to see other people. lol. i've gone through about 4 boys this summer. only 2 were actually official, like We are dating now. but jeez, I'm gonna give up!! guys suck. maybe i should switch to girls. whatever i'm not gay. i'm not straight. i'm not bi or whatever. i'm gonna love who i love regardless of gender. love has no gender. (and i'm a fuckin poet!)

summer gives you time to think, and that's why i love it so much. I can just think and think and think and it's all chill.

summerrr

its summer.
i have been hanging out with people and staying up until 6am and shopping and watching movies and drawing tons of pictures.
so far, good summer.

i got a haircut!!

so do ya like it?

iPod answers =]

If everyone says, "everything is well," what do you say?
Suddenly I See - Kt Tunstall

What best describes your personality?
Make Up - Psapp (oh wow..accurate..)

What suits you today?
I Live For The Day - idk it was on a mix my friend made

What is your goal in life?
La Vie Boheme B - RENT

What is your motto?
Lovestoned - Justin Timberlake (wtf?)

What do your friends think of you?
Fences - Paramore

What do you think about often?
I Could Give You A Mirror - Eurythmics (hmmmm.... )

How much is 2 + 2?
Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade

What do you think of your best friends?
Hey There Delilah - Plain White Ts

What do you think of the person you like?
Amazing - Kanye West =]

What is the history of your life?
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me - Culture Club

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Vertebrae By Vertebrae - Björk

What will you do when you meet the person you like?
Rescue Me - Hawthorne Heights (very Dr. Phil lol)

What do your parents think of you?
A Beautiful Life/La Bella Vita - Kiku

What will you dance to in your wedding?
House-Cat - Danielle Dax

What music will play during your funeral?
Bed - J. Holiday (awkward...)

What is your pastime?
The Trees - Rush

What is your biggest secret?
One More Time - Daft Punk

What do you think of your friends?
Sweet Dreams - Eurythmics

What is the worst thing that could happen?
London Bridge - Fergie

How will you die?
Orinoco Flow - Enya

What is the only thing you regret?
Blue Dress - Depeche Mode

What makes you laugh?
Lunatic To Love - The Presidents of the United States

What makes you cry?
Face Down - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Who will you marry one day?
Sexy Love - NeYo =]

What scares you the most?
Haunted - Evanescence

Does anyone like you?
Dazed and Confused - Led Zeppelin (that pretty much sums it up)

If you could go back in time, what would you change?
Rio - Duran Duran (wtf?)

What hurts you now?
Crossfire - Pillar

end of my schooling for this year

blahhh blahhh last day blahhh

i'm looking forward to summer. i'm gonna miss candice and and carly and pretty much everyone.

mmmk soo GUESS WHAT??

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not "IT" like sex or something bahaha
IT like i actually passed the audition. I'm in the master class!!! yay i'm proud.

Summer. god help us.

Summer is getting closer and close, unfortunately not close enough.

i have no idea what i'm doing. i prolly didn't get into that master class, but if i did that would at least be something.
the end of the year is so close i can taste it.

vandalize my face, please.

i'm in a funk.
i feel creatively stunted, yet in full bloom.
i want to do something drastic, but fun, but i don't know if i want people to look at me and go there's that girl again.
i'm not nervous, but im stressed.
i don't want to sing but i'm so very musical.
i want to fly around my ceiling fan, but i'm just not sure how.
i don't know what to do. I want to be happy with things i just feel so... unsatisfied.

adventures in acting

so i just started an acting class and i feel really stupid cuz everyone else in it is fucking amazing and i'm not that fabulous. Anyway then i started looking at maybe doing csf camp again this summer. i saw a youtube video and started to feel sentimental and stuff. so i think i'm going to do it this year.. but i don't want it to suck like last year...

nails

i got acrylic nails with kenzi yesterday. they feel really weird. i feel like i have nail implants or something. they're pretty and shiny, but they feel like excess. i got the shortest possible length and even my mother doesn't mind them, which means that they look at least semi-natural, but still. i feel very plastic. of course, you shouldve seen this other lady who got the epic frosted pink talons. that was pretty incredible to watch. how the hell are you supposed to function with nails that long? whatever.

ughhh i feel shallow. i just wrote an entire peice on nails and how much mine are bothering me.

this blog

may be ended very abbruptly. if that is to be so, then thanks for watching and have a great night, folks.

Hello out there?

does anyone even read this thing anymore? or am i just talking to myself?

oh.. and did i mention...

my school's chosen musical for this year is....

drumroll... fanfare..yada yada




.... Seussical.

auditions were last week. and I am the sour kangaroo. the part is really fun to sing, although i kinda feel like our only audience is going to be age 6 and under. Margaret is mayzie and she is amayzing at it =)

anyway.... ya.

haha!!

now my blog is bright!!

omg i can post pictures!!!

omg!!! this is cool!! i can post pictures!! hahahhahaaaa anyhoo... i got a new dress and its fucking adorable. plus, my hair is growing out... finally.

i think i'm in love..

screw guys. screw girls.

niether are reliable not to get boring. there's only one constant in my life right now and i think i'm in love... with dancing. its like moving art. emotions through action. whatever. i got new pointe shoes!! they're shiny and amazing =)

my blog needs a makeover...

its so... black and plain. i mena it'd be differrent if it were like black and awesome or black and menacing, but right now ts just... black. =P

Alice In wonderland

gotta love that opium.

one word. just one.

i was recently doing one of those obnoxious 'survey about me' things on my space and one question asked what my influences are. well, to be quite frank, 1850-2009. that is the span. then the survey thing asked me to describe myself in one word. ya like hell. I chose the word triangle. not to be like a way stating my sexuality or the number of side to my personality, cuz that takes a lot more then one word hehe... it was more like i had to pick a word. one word where there should be thousands. if i were to describe me, the first word i would use is selfish. and fuckin proud! i am a small person with small hands and feet. i watch tna wrestling cuz i think its pretty. i write on my arms and note books and like to draw on my fingernails. i can write 10,000 words in a story but barely 200 for an essay. I think that lightning bolts, when drawn, should always be blue, not yellow. i wear eyeliner on a daily basis, but only sometimes on my eyes. i listen to music because i like the way it sounds, not what it says. i have bipolar self confidence and depressed math skills. no negative meanings in that, btw. my world is visual, but i'm legally blind. my world is sound, and i hear everything. and that's just what comes to mind right now.

i just don't understand whoever got bored and wrote that survey. how on earth could you expect people to describe themselves in one word. someone whose description is but one word in length must be very boring.

UGGHHH FUCK THE PAST.

the past sucks. the past should go fuck itself.

I'm moving on, forvever tearing through time, minutes turning to dust at my feet. so take the past, i left you behind.

History repeating...again. =/

every little thing is making me think of last year. the st.louis thing. the fact that i slept until 11 this morning. the fact that i am sucking at math. the fact that we did cramprolls and seperated pullbacks in dance. the fact that i'm sound-sensitive. the fact that even though i'm over and done with mike, he's like everywhere and avoiding me. the fact that i've been thinking about cutting a lot lately and i don't know why. Ugh!

i don't want last yer again. last year was hell. absolute hell.

just when i think i'm climbing out of this mess i got myself into last year, it comes alive and tries to eat me. no, mess. Don't eat me. you suck.

The situations are irrelevant now.

ok, so I'm supposed to be going to St. Louis for a jew crew convention thingy in march. i'm supposed to fly out a few days early to hang with one of my friends there and when my parents talked to their parents on the phone, i was pretty much ready to die. i reallyreallyreallyrealllyREALLY want to go to st. louis, but its prolly not gonnba happen now cuz my friends parents prolly think my parents are crazy and it's in the middle of csaps and it costs a lot and well

there is facepalm
there is headdesk

and in this situation, i really feel like gunhead

Yurckk

This morning sucked assssssssssss. Basically i have been fired from orchestra. the principal discussed, then yelled... loudly... then discussed more and called my parents. and now i'm out. i don't even know what i did. I wasn't gonna quit till the end of the quarter, but evidently, i'm just not good enough for that.

Ughhhh. I didn't even care about leaving orchestra til the principal started talking about blaming it all on manda. then i got super-frigid-bitch and started crying and swearing and yah. manda didn't do anything exept listen to me and my stupid ideas on how to have fun at the teacher's expense.

all in all i wanted to shoot someone for the most pert of school. after lunch i felt better and cores were fun, but before lunch i was ready to go on an uzi-spree. Gah!! i hate this school.

grrrr Blogger

Gah!!! I can't put in a picture!! i have been trying, truly, but the stupid computer isnt letting me1! rawr. Oh and I have drawn whiskers on my face with blue eyeliner. yay!!

High School Looms Ahead

It's not even spring break yet and I'm already thinking about highschool. I'm a little afraid of the big building and big halls and big seniors, and also a little afraid of the fact that I will have acsess to certain substances that I really shouldn't have acsess to, and also afraid that i won't get into IB and I'll be the dumb one while all of my friends go on to big colleges and stuff. But hell, I'm so excited too! I'm going to the highschool where I'm going to know like everyone (ok, not really but it kinda feels like it) and I'll be surrounded by the poeple I love and hopefully will begin to love some new people.

I've noticed that I am relly, really happy with my life right now, and I know that high school shouldnt change that, but I don't want to lose things the way they are now. I like not belonging to a single group and just floating around and hanging out with veryone. I like wearing my rings and drawing rocket ships on my arms in math. i like being able to sit down at any lunch table i want to and talk to all of my friends there. I really don't want to lose this over the summer.



btw, Sarah, Dayna, Lexie, Emma person who I don't know yet but I'm sure you're cool, which electives should I sign up for? I'm lost in a sea of applications!

"i must break you"

so today i was watching one of the rambo ovies with the big blonde russian guy who's all like "i must break you."

ok, 1) i know some people who look like wimpy deflated versions of that guy
and 2) LOL!!!!!!! i mean the line was epic, but for some reason the whole steroids filled russian accented bleached blonde ness of the guy just made me fall over laughing. like, cmon seriously? i just wanted to give a hug and a teddy bear. XD

occupations

since i'm applying to ib and all that wonderfull stuff, i've started thinking about careers. my top career choices are all stuff that involves art. i don't want to be a lawyer or a doctor or a scientist. i want to be some form of artist. so here is a list of carers i'm currently considering.

-actor
-proffesional ballet corpes
-hip hop teacher
-chef to the stars
-fashion designer
-stylist
-makeup artist
-personal assistant
-photographer
-director
-painter. like van gogh
-cellist/violinist
-web designer
-singer
-writer
-working for a fashion magazine
-music engineer
-architect
-videographer


i don't know what t do with my life. the unfortunate thing about all of the careers above is that none of them bring in a lot of money...

generally yuck

gah! these past few days have made me so freakin emotional! not like sad emotional like an extremely bi-polar mix of happy/angry/really happy/pissed. why, god, why are you making my life like this? ok, so, yestreday mike was pissing me off so much that i dumped him. then i was really really happy, cuz the dance class i teach to volunteer went really well (for the most part), but today... ugh. my schedule by classes.....it's pretty fuckin amazing

choir - happy!! choir was really fun!
orchestra - PISSED AS HELL. I kinda stormed out of the room swearing and pushing over music stands and kicking anything and everything out of my way. haha i have to quit at the end of the quarter, but i'm kinda happy about that becdause i hate orchestra
math - meh. not terrible.
history - Happy!! today we did like nothing, so it was great!
lunch - really happy!!
science - meh bored not the best day ever
language - fuck my life.
after school - happy! it's over!!

Dammit.

Shut up, self. I am so fucking self centered. MUST GO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

Never the First

I have recently noticed that I am never the first. I don't mean like competitions, I mean when people think of friends that they'd go to for certain advice or whatever. I may be one of the first few, but I'm never first. Everyone always has some one better, if only by a little bit. I don't really mind, I just kinda noticed that I'm not the first person in someone's mind when they wake up. I'm not the face that someone imagines first when you're playing truth or dare and you get asked about who you are secretly in love with. It doesn't relly matter, and there's nothing I can do about it, I'm just noticing. I honestly don't mind. Honest honestly, not just saying honestly to mask the fact that I do care. I mean, it makes me feel warm when someone says they thought of me, but I guess that's just being self centered. Maybe that's why I'm so self centered, because I'm used to not being thought about. If I think about myself then no one else will have to. hahaha, here I go again...

Musik

lots of new good music on the ipod. thank jesus for Nevershoutnever!

2009

what the hell? everyone else is doing it.

2008. First half, sucked monkey. Second half, kicked monkey ass!
Right up until june-ish (with the exeption of june 29th which sucked major ass) life was not fun. but then school ended and danceteam ended and i cut my hair and changed my appearance and started to blossom from my own ashes. acting camp was really fun, and friends were made. i still text Maya and Nathan. then school started. everyone who had held me down last year i left behind to join a new group of friends. and for the rest of 2008, life was pretty good.


sooooo now its 2009. i guess i should make a few resolutions....

~ learn tarot. like memorize the keltic method.
~ try not to be so much of an attention whore.
~ start a webshow.
~ write more often.
~ become more skilled in the arts of music, dancing, and acting.
~ draw prettier pictures.
~ try not to do illeagal stuff quite so often.


so there ya have it =)

Ahahahaha New Years!!

PARTAYYYYYY!

I spent new years eve/day with a few of my closest buddies. and we partied. and it was funfunfun.

staying up til 8 am? check.
setting off fireworks and almost getting the police called on us cuz of angry old geezers? check.
drinking wayyyyy too much cider? check.
dancing around like idiots to pass the time? check.
eating magicaltastic enchiladas at 2:30 am? check.
taking lots of retarded looking pictures? check. myspace, beware!!