Ok, i give up.

I shall tell you! History is repeating itself.

I'm dating Mike... again.

that was the important one. but school history is repeating itself too.

my missing assignments are piling up... again.
And I've started being the 'problem kid' in a certain class... again.
and I'm getting really fricken stressed and anxious and edgy... again.

But it is somehow different this time. I am socially very satisfied. I am not striving to be someone else, anyone else like i was last year. And I guess my grades aren't that bad since on average i only have like 4-5 missing assignments per class not 10-15. I think that's an improvement. And I'm being the problem kid in orchestra, but no one cares, cuz everyone hates the teacher and i'm just leading the revolution or whatever. but seriously, today i was like, inches away from telling the tteacher to go fuck himself. And the stress is just... there. I don't know what to do about that.

But I'm really scared that this year will be like last year and I'll get bad grades and a bad rep and date bad people and just have a bad time. I don't want that. I just want to be clear. Pure. Not pure in the good little christian girl sense, pure as in free of drama and bad shit and stress. I just want to be. not anything but alive. I just want a blue plaid scarf and some cash and some floppy boots. I want to be like the people in the urban outfitters ads, just chilled out and having fun. and i'm trying, I really am, but school and relationships seem to be dragging me down into this black abyss of emotastic selfish stress. But this time around with mike we're both really happy and romantic and all that stuff, and until I'm 18/famous/both school is unfortunately non-negotiable.

I know i should be greatful because there are kids in africa that would love to go to school, but i can't help it. i just don't want to be a lawyer/doctor/ biologist/english major/teacher when I grow up. I know i'd be a good therapist. i know i'd be a good lawyer cuz i'm good at arguing :) but i don't look ahead and see fulfillment in any of those occupations. of course i want to be famous or something, who doesn't want to have fame and fortune and all that, but the chances of me being famous are like a bazillion to one. More then that. Its never going to happen. But whatever, I don't want to be something that requires book smarts and dealing with beurocrats on a daily basis. i'm sorry, paper work pisses me off. haha

whatever. i'm just being really self centered cuz no one else seems to care. oh crap that sounded really emo. i'm not just being selfish and fishing for compliments or whatever, i just feel like no one really understands the way my mind works. i understand everyone else, but no one really understands me. crap that came out sounding really adolescent too... that's not the way i meant it! i just mean that i can tell you how your basic thought process works after one or two conversations with you. intense or not, its just easy for me to figure ohter people out. but no one seems to be able to figure me out. at least no one's tried. hell, i can't even figure me out.

bottom line is, i'm satisfied, and not satisfied. i love my life but i hate my life. i am happy with nothing to do but i need something to do. and i'm not talking projects and scrapbooking, i'm saying novel writing and artistic masterpieces.

I AM NOT INSPIRED. and it sucks.