Next Up: New york's balls finally drop

bahahaha. Can't wait till New Years. Some disreputable stuff will probably go down around midnight. yeah.... I'm excited!

Thank God for iPods

To get all the damn x-mas carols out of my head, I'm doing a mass upload of songs onto my itunes. lots of fun.

FaLaLaLaFuckingLa

I. AM. SICK. OF. CHRISTMAS MUSIC. MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP!!!

Cheer up, emo kid!

OK. I have decided to lighten up ove break. I have been steadily slipping into this black abyss of over dramatic depression and attention-craving and i am stopping. RIGHT NOW. So now I'm going to talk about happy stuff.


I saw the movie YesMan with Lily yesterday. It was a really good movie. and I want a fucking seahorse hat!! Those were amazing!! Just see the movie.

Anyway, yesterday was a good day. I felt very superficial. I have figured out that feeling pretty on the outside helps me feel pretty on the inside. And I felt very pretty yesterday. I can't help my obsession with image. honestly, I can't. i want to look good, cuz if i look good i feel good. I know it's really shallow, but you have to be shallow before you can be deep, right? I mean I'm not some bubbleheaded plastic, talk to me. I have a brain. I can psycho-analyze people after about 2 conversations with them. ((with a few exeptions, coughcoughANDYcoughcough. Still can't figure you out, sweetie [= )) Anyway, yestreday i felt like a ballerina. beautiful and talented and all that stuff. Idk, i guess feeling shallow for a day just feels good every once in a while.

But today I am not leaving the house. I am not going to straighten my hair or change out of my too-big pj pants and plank white tank top. I am going to just sit around the house and be deep today. I have decided that I have to make up for all the thinking i didn't do yesterday. =] I am contemplating writing a novel, but I always get bored half way through and never finish. out of ten stories I've started, only two of them have endings. ((btw, i'd be happy to email you one if you want)) but i just have all these words in my head and I need to get them out. maybe i'll just write one of those diary format stories, with random shit in it. it'll tell a story, a simple story, but have lots of sweet writing. idk. Need random inspiration!! maybe i will leave the house today... i suddenly feel all artistic...

speaking of art! I have recently started drawing in a new style. if i ever get famous, my drawings of fabric will be classic. fabric is like, my signatue thing. recently i've been drawing dead girls in pretty victorian-era dresses.

I have a new set of goals for my self, since i have acheived the ones i set for last year.

I feel very content, i am gorging my self on cookie dough. yay.

Vocal music

today i just feel like singing. i got my honor choir music and my sweatpants and life is just nice today.

just saying..

ok, i am about to say some stuff to the general public. there are a few of you who need to listen closely. you know who you are.



to a certain person:
1) i am envious a little bit of the romantical evening you two had. sounded amazing. i'm really happy for you. =)

to a different person:
2) it is my personal opinion that you need to leave her and her girlfriend alone. she doesn't love you the way she loves her girlfriend, so please stop forcing yourself on her.

back to the first person:
3) i am terribly sorry if #2 offends you in any way. i am not trying to fight your battles, i am just stating an opinion.

back to the second person:
4) don't get overly dramatic about what i said and hate me. that's just what i think.

balcony

it happened so fast and i want more

sorry that was really long. excuse the rant =)

Ok, i give up.

I shall tell you! History is repeating itself.

I'm dating Mike... again.

that was the important one. but school history is repeating itself too.

my missing assignments are piling up... again.
And I've started being the 'problem kid' in a certain class... again.
and I'm getting really fricken stressed and anxious and edgy... again.

But it is somehow different this time. I am socially very satisfied. I am not striving to be someone else, anyone else like i was last year. And I guess my grades aren't that bad since on average i only have like 4-5 missing assignments per class not 10-15. I think that's an improvement. And I'm being the problem kid in orchestra, but no one cares, cuz everyone hates the teacher and i'm just leading the revolution or whatever. but seriously, today i was like, inches away from telling the tteacher to go fuck himself. And the stress is just... there. I don't know what to do about that.

But I'm really scared that this year will be like last year and I'll get bad grades and a bad rep and date bad people and just have a bad time. I don't want that. I just want to be clear. Pure. Not pure in the good little christian girl sense, pure as in free of drama and bad shit and stress. I just want to be. not anything but alive. I just want a blue plaid scarf and some cash and some floppy boots. I want to be like the people in the urban outfitters ads, just chilled out and having fun. and i'm trying, I really am, but school and relationships seem to be dragging me down into this black abyss of emotastic selfish stress. But this time around with mike we're both really happy and romantic and all that stuff, and until I'm 18/famous/both school is unfortunately non-negotiable.

I know i should be greatful because there are kids in africa that would love to go to school, but i can't help it. i just don't want to be a lawyer/doctor/ biologist/english major/teacher when I grow up. I know i'd be a good therapist. i know i'd be a good lawyer cuz i'm good at arguing :) but i don't look ahead and see fulfillment in any of those occupations. of course i want to be famous or something, who doesn't want to have fame and fortune and all that, but the chances of me being famous are like a bazillion to one. More then that. Its never going to happen. But whatever, I don't want to be something that requires book smarts and dealing with beurocrats on a daily basis. i'm sorry, paper work pisses me off. haha

whatever. i'm just being really self centered cuz no one else seems to care. oh crap that sounded really emo. i'm not just being selfish and fishing for compliments or whatever, i just feel like no one really understands the way my mind works. i understand everyone else, but no one really understands me. crap that came out sounding really adolescent too... that's not the way i meant it! i just mean that i can tell you how your basic thought process works after one or two conversations with you. intense or not, its just easy for me to figure ohter people out. but no one seems to be able to figure me out. at least no one's tried. hell, i can't even figure me out.

bottom line is, i'm satisfied, and not satisfied. i love my life but i hate my life. i am happy with nothing to do but i need something to do. and i'm not talking projects and scrapbooking, i'm saying novel writing and artistic masterpieces.

I AM NOT INSPIRED. and it sucks.

panic attack at school today. not fun. whats wrong with me?

panic attack at school today. not fun. whats wrong with me?

unnnnngh

sick. stressed. need silence, not getting it. ugh. kill me now.

Crazy.. part II

is it bad to see the days just kinda melt into one another? life is so monotonous with these little bursts of awesome. and the awesome bits are indeed very awesome. gotta love history repeating itself.

clue #2

World of Warcraft

Going crazy, but it's kinda enjoyable.

I have lost it these days. Days. Days just kinda slip bye. Life is so monotonous. Anyway, history is kinda repeating itself, but i like it. Its good history, not bad shit. i'm keeping it good. Hahahah I bet you want to know what I'm talking about! figure it out, I'll give you a clue:



12/16/07.

Occupied.

I have realized that I have been very preocupied on this break. so far it has been the most eventful break i have ever had. not including the ones where i travelled or i was younger then 7. I have been hanging out with people pretty much nonstop except today. and today was just a chill out day. I like being occupied. Get your mind out of the gutter. thats not what I mean. I mean i like having something, anything to do, human interraction is good for the soul. When i'm by myself i think too much. usually i just sit around watch like 9 hours of tv and let my brain ot because thinking is too much work, but not this time. this time I've been acting like a healthy human being. its pretty fantastic.

the sun will set for you.

I've been feeling very music inspired lately. mainly cuz music is the only noise i can stand without feeling like i want to run away in tears and hide in my bed and hug my blankets close and tell my problems to winnie the pooh. i don't know what my problem is lately. nothing at all interesting has hapened. i know that tomorrow will be interesting. i know that saturday will be interesting. but so far nothing is interesting. school sucks as usual and home is just home. but every noise i hear makes me want to slit my wrists or swallow pills or something. i don't know why. people chewing, the sound of the keyboard as i type, i don't even know. talking, whispering. everything makes me want to hide away forever. i want to sound-proof my room. i need quiet. all this nois eis making e crazy. i just want to run away and draw pictures and eat cake and snuggle under my blankets and watch dr. who. it is freezing outside. it is too tight inside. i need air. my air. no one elses. but music is like my little vice. the only thing i can hear without wanting to die. i need a break.

Penny Lane type of day

Today is Sunday. today i have had a Panny l;ane kinda day. wow I've been very Beatles inspired lately.. watever. Hooray for hippies! lol ok so yeah. today was one of those days thats all family oriented (not my family, Kat's) and its all friends and family and food and cute little children laughing and joking and ugh. Not "ugh" at the happiness of today, "ugh" at the.. idk... the weirdness to me. I think that there is probably something wrong when regular family&friends time feels weird to me. Sunday brunch feels weird to me. Tradition feels weird to me. Normal=Sunday Brunch. Whatever. Today has been nice, just it felt weird all day.

Muffin Crumbles.

Show biz sucks!
I had an audition last week, and then I had one a few days ago, and I have a performance next week, then dress rehearsals next week, then after that I have like 7 performances, plus I'm rehearsing everyday exept tuesday for like everything and I'm getting seriously stressed and I can't wait for half of my shows to be over so I can just leave the companies.

For a fish and finger pie..

The Beatles are making my day right now. I am getting what I need right now, and what I need is to be able to forget all the shit that's bothering me and just get lost in the music. I love that feeling, first satisfaction. I am getting what I want. Next, calm. I can finally breathe and not talk and just melt away with the sound of the voice singing. Thanks JohnPaulGeorge&Ringo. Breathe, think. Breathe think. Feel. I finally feel like I can pay attention to things. I mean, I always pay attention to things, but I feel like I can actually care now.. The world has been muted and all I have to pay attention to is the message that "all you need is love".

oh wow I totally live for this kind of shit

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg8mZKbUzwE&feature=related

New Foneeee

I got a new phone cuz my amazing tiny skinny one kinda snapped in half ... *crycry* I loved that phone... but it's ok, cuz my new one is amazingtastic! It's pretty an iPhone, but without the i. It has no butons, just a touch screen, and isn't black, it's 'espresso' but whatever. I love it! so yeah, that was pretty much the highlight of an otherwise crummy day.

Angry

Today so far has not been the best day ever. My mother is making me angry, and the abomonation of a little sister is not helping. I slapped my sister, which was bad, and then i stormed off to my room and turned up some screamo really loud, and I didn't know what to do, so i started writing things that cheer me up on my self. then I started writing everything on myself. and before I knew it practically my entire body was covered in words good, bad, deep, shallow. then I realized that my mother would totally freak out and I just didn't want to have to deal with her obnoxious attention-whoring, so I took a shower. Gah! Sometimes I just don't know how to deal...

O FLIGHT!!

OMG so today I get to go on an orientation flight for Civil Air Patrol. It's really fun cuz for part of it I get to fly the plane!! i think... anyway, I'm like super duper pumped that I get to go today!! and then I'm seeing a movie with my friends!! and then Im going shopping! today had better be a good day lol

YES.

OBAMA WON. YES. WE ARE SAVED. lol wow

oh god

running away from any tv/radio/internet news/ news-giving-type device that will tell me how the election is going. I don't want to know until I know! it'll make more sense tomorrow...

omg ok,

so halloween was so much fun!!

party at kats
trick or treating with sam, jennah, eli, and kenzi

and eli just asked me out! yay!

HalloFuckingWeen

I have a sweet 80's costume (with these awesometastic neon yellow fishnet tights!)


what are you gonna be?

Sick Dayyyyy

yuck.

Bleh...

I was going to go to Terror In the Corn tonight, but then I said "shit" in front of my mom and she flipped out and started screaming at me. So now I'm in trouble cuz I called her a fat bitch. I know it was a terrible thing to say. but it just kinda slipped out before I could stop myself. So now I am confined to my neighborhood for the rest of the weekend. So no mall, no movies, no restaraunts even. Ugh.

Outdoor lab sucked monkey balls.

the food, the roomates, the classes, all sucked!!!!!! Ughh

A- MAZING.

ok so the concert pretty much kicked ass. yah. except for this big fat goth chick in front of us who wouldn't move. ugh. anyway, i saw ryan ross. he is my one true love. omg, he like emitted heavenly light he is so sexy!!! and brenden urie is just like, god. yep. he is jesus. the two of them together was like a musical sex fantasy, a very nice one. yes. and when the plain white t's played 'hey there delilah", i think every girl in place like died with happiness. and dashboard confessional was just undescribable. yeh. the cab was awesometastic too. good night, very good night.

I'M SEEING PANIC! AT THE DISCO ON FRIDAY OMGOMGOMGOMG DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL AND PLAIN WHITE TEES ARE GONNA BE THERE TOO!!!!!!! OMGOMGOMGOMG I'M EXCITED!!!!

alchohol is scary

for some reason i've been feeling really freaked out by alchohol. not like, drinking, just it's presence in my house. for some reason i really just want my parents to get rid of it all for a while.

my fabtastic morning

grr stupid o flights got cancled..... poor izzy, this is like the 3rd month in a row she can't fly. anyhoo, cpft was...erm... fun. I did ok on the push ups, great on the sit ups, and pretty much dominated o the sit and reach. i got a 43!! i think i freaked out the testing lady. anyway, that was all good fun, but the mile-run almost killed me. izzy (my partner buddy person) ran it in like 8 minutes. i ran/walked/stumbled it in 12. ugh. i started out way too fast and almost toppled over on the last lap. i had to drink a lot of cold water cuz i bit my cheek and my throat was bleeding and yuck. running sucks. i can do cardio.. sort of... but the mile is fucking killer. i was coughing a lot, which hurt cuz my throat felt like someone had taken a machete to it..... and i didn't want to tell the captain and the testing lady that i was coughing up blood cuz then they would have freaked out and it would have been a whole scene and i didn't want to fuck up their entire morning. so yeah aside from the running, i did fine. i even passed on the running portion. so now i have to put in a formal request type thing and then i can promote!! i'll be an airman! yay! so yeah... that was pretty much my morning.....


so anyway yeah now i'm searching the internet for fun warm chocolatey dishes cuz jackie's comign over and we're gonna bake. i'm thinking a cake with ganache, but i'll see what i can find.

OKOKOK

I know this blog looks really lame and boring and un-appetizing, but I will make it prettier. I promise!

Urgh

Judaism sucks. Today was this holiday where you're not allowed to eat or drink for 24 hours. "nothing shall pass thy lips" ugh. The fast is supposed to be purifying, but it's just painfully annoying. And it sucks. A lot. I finally was allowed to eat about an hour or two ago.... i got a bagel. But then my parents wanted to go to this lame adult dinner party thing. I was like, dying. Aghhhh today just sucked.

GAH!

Am i a whore if i feel that every waking minute of my life needs to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other in it? Eli doesn't have enough of a package to ask me out, and the other kid i like, Austin, prolly thinks i'm a freak. Grrrr i want to love and be loved, is that so wrong??

So yeh...

yesterday i hung out with eli, sam, david, and kenzi and we trecked around longmont. david and samantha were so cte, he was gonna ask her out but he was too shy. awwwwwwww! so yeah then kenzi slept over and we made strawberry shortcake!! tthen to day the same group went to the mall to see nick and norah's infinite playlist. it was fun, but i was supposed to see it with willow. unfortunately, willow got grounded. i did see elisa at the mall tho. so yeah, right after the movie david asked sam out, it was really cute. the two were like glued to eachother for the rest of the time. eli kept hitting on me.... yeah....

woo i figured it out!

GAH!!

how do i follow someone else's blog?

Today...Was...Wednesday...

And what an entertaining Wednesday it was. today I..


woke up
got dressed/make-upped/straightenerified
got driven to Ihop
met Trevor, Sara (thought they were pretty spiffy)
ate pancakes, stole Sara's sausage
walked to Trevors house
talked for a while
walked to the bus stop
waited at the bus stop, getting weird looks from all the high school students
hugged many people
left the bus stop and walked to school
got hugged so much my ribs hurt
got the worlds biggest headache in science
just wanted to sleep in Language
headached/complained walking home
called in sick to dance
took some advil
played a little violin
ate frozen food
procrastinated doing math homework by watching tv
got on computer
blogged/myspaced/yahooed
am now getting yelled at to get off the computer.



all in all, fun late start day! the funnest part i can't tell you about.... :) they involved travor's house, jackie, sara, and becoming slightly inebriated.

ZOMG HI!

hey yall i guess this is a chronicle of my life... sorta...
i have another blog, but that's more geared toward a certain group of people.... so i guess this one will be geared towards a different group of people!!!!

yeah.... i know the layout sucks right now, i promise i'll make it prettier soon

<3