Next Up: New york's balls finally drop

bahahaha. Can't wait till New Years. Some disreputable stuff will probably go down around midnight. yeah.... I'm excited!

Thank God for iPods

To get all the damn x-mas carols out of my head, I'm doing a mass upload of songs onto my itunes. lots of fun.

FaLaLaLaFuckingLa

I. AM. SICK. OF. CHRISTMAS MUSIC. MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP!!!

Cheer up, emo kid!

OK. I have decided to lighten up ove break. I have been steadily slipping into this black abyss of over dramatic depression and attention-craving and i am stopping. RIGHT NOW. So now I'm going to talk about happy stuff.


I saw the movie YesMan with Lily yesterday. It was a really good movie. and I want a fucking seahorse hat!! Those were amazing!! Just see the movie.

Anyway, yesterday was a good day. I felt very superficial. I have figured out that feeling pretty on the outside helps me feel pretty on the inside. And I felt very pretty yesterday. I can't help my obsession with image. honestly, I can't. i want to look good, cuz if i look good i feel good. I know it's really shallow, but you have to be shallow before you can be deep, right? I mean I'm not some bubbleheaded plastic, talk to me. I have a brain. I can psycho-analyze people after about 2 conversations with them. ((with a few exeptions, coughcoughANDYcoughcough. Still can't figure you out, sweetie [= )) Anyway, yestreday i felt like a ballerina. beautiful and talented and all that stuff. Idk, i guess feeling shallow for a day just feels good every once in a while.

But today I am not leaving the house. I am not going to straighten my hair or change out of my too-big pj pants and plank white tank top. I am going to just sit around the house and be deep today. I have decided that I have to make up for all the thinking i didn't do yesterday. =] I am contemplating writing a novel, but I always get bored half way through and never finish. out of ten stories I've started, only two of them have endings. ((btw, i'd be happy to email you one if you want)) but i just have all these words in my head and I need to get them out. maybe i'll just write one of those diary format stories, with random shit in it. it'll tell a story, a simple story, but have lots of sweet writing. idk. Need random inspiration!! maybe i will leave the house today... i suddenly feel all artistic...

speaking of art! I have recently started drawing in a new style. if i ever get famous, my drawings of fabric will be classic. fabric is like, my signatue thing. recently i've been drawing dead girls in pretty victorian-era dresses.

I have a new set of goals for my self, since i have acheived the ones i set for last year.

I feel very content, i am gorging my self on cookie dough. yay.

Vocal music

today i just feel like singing. i got my honor choir music and my sweatpants and life is just nice today.

just saying..

ok, i am about to say some stuff to the general public. there are a few of you who need to listen closely. you know who you are.



to a certain person:
1) i am envious a little bit of the romantical evening you two had. sounded amazing. i'm really happy for you. =)

to a different person:
2) it is my personal opinion that you need to leave her and her girlfriend alone. she doesn't love you the way she loves her girlfriend, so please stop forcing yourself on her.

back to the first person:
3) i am terribly sorry if #2 offends you in any way. i am not trying to fight your battles, i am just stating an opinion.

back to the second person:
4) don't get overly dramatic about what i said and hate me. that's just what i think.

balcony

it happened so fast and i want more

sorry that was really long. excuse the rant =)

Ok, i give up.

I shall tell you! History is repeating itself.

I'm dating Mike... again.

that was the important one. but school history is repeating itself too.

my missing assignments are piling up... again.
And I've started being the 'problem kid' in a certain class... again.
and I'm getting really fricken stressed and anxious and edgy... again.

But it is somehow different this time. I am socially very satisfied. I am not striving to be someone else, anyone else like i was last year. And I guess my grades aren't that bad since on average i only have like 4-5 missing assignments per class not 10-15. I think that's an improvement. And I'm being the problem kid in orchestra, but no one cares, cuz everyone hates the teacher and i'm just leading the revolution or whatever. but seriously, today i was like, inches away from telling the tteacher to go fuck himself. And the stress is just... there. I don't know what to do about that.

But I'm really scared that this year will be like last year and I'll get bad grades and a bad rep and date bad people and just have a bad time. I don't want that. I just want to be clear. Pure. Not pure in the good little christian girl sense, pure as in free of drama and bad shit and stress. I just want to be. not anything but alive. I just want a blue plaid scarf and some cash and some floppy boots. I want to be like the people in the urban outfitters ads, just chilled out and having fun. and i'm trying, I really am, but school and relationships seem to be dragging me down into this black abyss of emotastic selfish stress. But this time around with mike we're both really happy and romantic and all that stuff, and until I'm 18/famous/both school is unfortunately non-negotiable.

I know i should be greatful because there are kids in africa that would love to go to school, but i can't help it. i just don't want to be a lawyer/doctor/ biologist/english major/teacher when I grow up. I know i'd be a good therapist. i know i'd be a good lawyer cuz i'm good at arguing :) but i don't look ahead and see fulfillment in any of those occupations. of course i want to be famous or something, who doesn't want to have fame and fortune and all that, but the chances of me being famous are like a bazillion to one. More then that. Its never going to happen. But whatever, I don't want to be something that requires book smarts and dealing with beurocrats on a daily basis. i'm sorry, paper work pisses me off. haha

whatever. i'm just being really self centered cuz no one else seems to care. oh crap that sounded really emo. i'm not just being selfish and fishing for compliments or whatever, i just feel like no one really understands the way my mind works. i understand everyone else, but no one really understands me. crap that came out sounding really adolescent too... that's not the way i meant it! i just mean that i can tell you how your basic thought process works after one or two conversations with you. intense or not, its just easy for me to figure ohter people out. but no one seems to be able to figure me out. at least no one's tried. hell, i can't even figure me out.

bottom line is, i'm satisfied, and not satisfied. i love my life but i hate my life. i am happy with nothing to do but i need something to do. and i'm not talking projects and scrapbooking, i'm saying novel writing and artistic masterpieces.

I AM NOT INSPIRED. and it sucks.

panic attack at school today. not fun. whats wrong with me?

panic attack at school today. not fun. whats wrong with me?

unnnnngh

sick. stressed. need silence, not getting it. ugh. kill me now.

Crazy.. part II

is it bad to see the days just kinda melt into one another? life is so monotonous with these little bursts of awesome. and the awesome bits are indeed very awesome. gotta love history repeating itself.

clue #2

World of Warcraft

Going crazy, but it's kinda enjoyable.

I have lost it these days. Days. Days just kinda slip bye. Life is so monotonous. Anyway, history is kinda repeating itself, but i like it. Its good history, not bad shit. i'm keeping it good. Hahahah I bet you want to know what I'm talking about! figure it out, I'll give you a clue:



12/16/07.